I would like to first start with a hearty "Hello, everyone!" but part of that feels disingenuous or, at least, that it would be viewed as such. There's not a lot of heartiness rattling around my cage these days. As much as I try to refuse to let the state of the world and my body dictate my state of mind, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm failing. For those of you that have lost track of time (easy to do these days), I've been off socials since July 27th. I did, however, edit that last post on Instagram shortly thereafter and added this, "This past week was very mentally and emotionally challenging, which resulted in (so far an 8 day migraine) migraines, vomiting, and crying at length. I'm hoping to film in the next few days and continue with the series asap! I just need to take care of my mental state right now. I love you all so much 💗💗💗." I had hoped that more of you would see it, but it makes sense that you didn't. In hindsight, I should have gone a different route, and for that I apologize.
I also don't want the first time you hear from me in four months to be a downer filled with negativity. That's not my intention at all, but I do feel I need to get on here and say something... ANYTHING, especially seeming how I have managed to catch a break from migraines. Now I can actually think to dictate this to Kurt (I still can't look at a screen. I'm sure lights would bring the migraines back). People have been messaging, commenting on older videos, and sending their well wishes, as all of you wonderful people tend to spoil me with. The "but" you can all feel coming is not to refute any of that positivity you're sending my way, and it's not meant to diminish your efforts and kind heartedness in any way. Rather, the "but" is about my mental state. I just can't seem to shake the weight of this "new normal," a phrase I have grown to despise. I don't want to get into politics and the many sensitive topics scattered like land mines in the public sphere these days, but I will say that there is nothing normal about any of "this," and I refuse to accept the use of the word normal to describe it, "new" or otherwise.
Not only do I feel trapped from a Governmental regulation standpoint (I haven't been able to see my parents who live in Canada since January, and the flagrant, demonstrable overreach of "authority" from my Governor, whom I hate, makes dystopia sci-fi look like cruising in the Caribbean), but I also, and perhaps even more pressingly so, feel trapped in my own body more than I ever have before. The resulting mental state of that prison is hardly filled with rainbows and unicorns, and I just can't seem to snap out of it. I think it's fueling my physical symptoms (no, not COVID), but like the chicken and the egg, it's unclear which one came first. I've been dealing with migraines and RA my whole adult life, but they were getting under control-ish prior to COVID's arrival. So, maybe it's not a "which came first" sort of a thing but, rather, more of an exacerbation of symptoms that were already present, though sort of dormant, at the time this COVID bomb exploded.
My RA seems to be doing okay still since my last good news update, but my migraines are absolutely out of control again. I have also been dealing with six months of visceral anguish, the details of which, I assure you, you don't want to know. About six weeks ago, I had another incident that caused a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and another that gave me a concussion on top of the TBI just 71 hours later. The four weeks of healing I was told I would have to go through after that were awful, and I'm still having migraines from that. I guess it wasn't just four weeks 🤦♀️ Then, a couple of months ago, I had a a huge "breakthrough" in the department of repressed memories. Something that happened to me at 13 years old came flooding back to me and, with it, some unpleasant physical symptoms. Yes, I know, it has been one thing after another. I will explain all of it in a video when I finally get back to filming, something I'm desperately missing.
Granted, as of yesterday, I have received my first "light at the end of the tunnel" news, and while I hope it turns out to be true, I feel so defeated and exhausted. Sometimes I just want to crawl under the bed and never come out.
I've always been honest and transparent with you guys. Some might say a little TMI even. I don't hide my life struggles from you. In fact, I like to think that sharing them with you might help some of you out there going through something similar. Regardless, I say this to highlight the fact that while none of this is brand new, it seems to have culminated with the birth of COVID, and I'm really struggling, as I'm sure many of you are, too. It's not that I've been ignoring you all, though, in hindsight, I can see how it may have been received that way. In reality, I've just been in my own personal hell just trying to keep my head above water. When you feel like your walls are caving in on you, you really don't think about your social media. To clarify, I don't mean that you as people are synonymous with just "social media." That's not the case at all. I'm saying that if it/they/you are not in my immediate sphere, in the room with the caving walls with me, my radar has simply not extended that far these days. It's more than I can bear to just get dressed some days. That is meant to be LITERAL. If I didn't live with Kurt, I'm not sure even he would have heard from me weekly.
I can't describe my head space, if that's not already clear by my rambling, but it's not a good one. No, I'm not suicidal at all, so please don't think that. I'm just exhausted, both physically and mentally, and that feeling that "my body hates me" is a betrayal that only those who have lived it can fully understand and appreciate the significance of. To use a term we're all familiar with, yes, I'm DEPRESSED, but it's not that simple. The depression is founded in reality, in a battle with my body that I can't help but feel I'm losing, and it's not even the "fear" of losing it that's the downer, it's the effort that each day requires, knowing what I need to muster today just to exist, that's what's crushing me.
I used to think my inner superhero would deliver. "I got this. It'll be hard, but I got this." Now... I'm not so sure.
Let's flip this to something positive. I have a new healthcare professional, albeit unconventional, who has been
How can she be amazing if I'm doing so poorly?
I just found her. I have only been to see her twice, and the improvements since have been undeniable. Not that I feel it needs defending, but I chose unconventional medicine because if I told you how much I spent (and I don't mean my insurance spent, I mean ME) on my conventional medical care in the past decade, your heart would probably stop.
While I can't say it did nothing, to claim it was more than a bandaid would also be a lie. It's not proven to do much for the underlying cause, not to mention, the number of times it got the underlying cause wrong, treated that wrong "cause" with Big Pharma "bandaids," and then had to treat the symptoms resulting from the treatment with more Big Pharma "bandaids."
Needless to say, I have lost a lot of faith in the medical system. That first hand experience of the cyclical $%#@ ups aside, the experience I have had in the alternative, unconventional medical world of treating the cause, not the symptom, has brought me to a place in my life I had given up on YEARS ago. I didn't think it possible that I could be almost totally off my RA meds. I was expressly told that would never be possible, yet here I am. I was also expressly told that the medication would cause all kinds of issues and, once again, here I am.
So, they WERE right about THAT. Anyway, this woman that has been treating the cause has helped tremendously. Unfortunately, like some of the more conventional medical methods of treatment, namely Chemo, the beginning stages of this treatment can be difficult with one of the possible symptoms being migraines (something I could really do without). Because I'm not sure as to everyone's experience level in the unconventional medical world, I would like to clarify that no, I'm not drinking bleach, or anything even close to that effect, regardless of how the television spins the idea of alternative medicine. In fact, the only thing I'm physically "taking" often appears on a garden variety salad. To help paint a picture, acupuncture is a pillless form of alternative medical treatment, though it's not acupuncture that I'm doing. My claustrophobia won't allow for that.
Yeah... not for me.
Anyway, I just wanted to ease everyone's minds, at least a little, that I am alive, that I am doing okay, and that I have every intention of coming back to YouTube. That being said, there needs to be some fairly significant improvements in my physical state before I can do so. If all goes well, I could be back as early as January, but I can't make any promises, despite wishing I could.
For those of you that have sent comments, emails, and even gifts...
... it certainly doesn't go unnoticed, not at all. You really do make an enormous difference in my life. I know influencers (the Jaclyn Hills out there) say "I love you guys" in one breath and "buy this" in the next. I hope I don't come across that way. Well, I never ask you guys to buy anything, so I guess that's a bad example, but my point is, I'm not just saying that. My absence has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. When I say it takes everything in me to even get dressed some days, I mean it. My husband, the guy writing this for me now, can attest to my closing off. He knows me, he knows it's not him, he knows not to take it personally, and I hope all of you know it's not you either.
I really don't like victimhood. I don't think it's a state of mind that allows for any positive progression or growth. There is nothing that comes from playing the victim that will ever help the "victim" not be a victim. I hope no one views this post as me doing that. I am, however, struggling with some things. I have a "plate," and there is "shit" on it. We all have our crosses to bear. When I'm not in the pits of despair and depression (which really isn't that frequently), I am doing everything I can to overcome that shit on my plate, and I can't help but feel that when I do (not if I do), there will be an opportunity for me on the other side to reach back and help those that find themselves in similar situations.
Okay, maybe not just like that, but you get the point. Hey, I did say my husband was writing this. Just because I'm a mess, doesn't mean he lost his sense of humor.
In closing here, I love you guys. I love you for sharing in my love of makeup. I love you for giving me the platform to ramble about glitter on. Even in an I Am Legend world, I love me some glitter, but it's much more fun to have people to share it with. You inspire me with your stories, your selflessness, and your kind words. You have shown me a side of humanity that is often difficult to see in the day-to-day monotony of errands. You are all profoundly appreciated, and I can't wait to get back to a place where I can begin to play with colors with you all again.
I hope you are all doing well, all things considered of course, and you are enjoying the holidays with friends and family as best you can. This is a world where we really need to enjoy the little things, stop and smell the roses, and appreciate everything we have. I know you know that, and I know it's easier said than done. I'm a prime example of that struggle. Here's a picture that I had made to post on Instagram on Thanksgiving. I ended up having such a bad migraine, not only did I not get to enjoy my Thanksgiving at all, but I didn't even have it in me to get on my phone.
Yeah, it's been pretty bad, guys, but I am trying, and I won't bow to defeat. I WILL be back, and we WILL put 2020 behind us...
... and get back to some glam looks!
Bye for now, everyone!
